Last week at a science fair party my dear friend Henry started telling me about his long and tragic quest to find a non-douchey pair of shorts. I stopped him mid-sentence and said, "Henry, who knows how many men are facing the same challenges in silence and isolation? You need to blog about this." He was about to embark on a road trip to the Grand Canyon, so he agreed to file a guest post from the road, Jack Kerouac-style. This is his story.Readers of Daddy Likey may not know it, but millions of men every year are burdened with the task of properly ventilating their legs. Sure, toughing it out and wearing pants during the summer months is an option, but when the raging inferno of an out-of-control barbecue backdrafts into an already sweltering August heat, the practicality of pants goes up in smoke. Which leaves us with the unenviable task of picking out shorts - and if you’re a man of discerning taste, that means shorts that don’t make you look like a bro.
Bros, for the unfamiliar, are so common you probably don’t even realize what a distinct group they are. But it is their numbers that have forced clothing manufacturers to cater to the poor tastes of every Chad, Kyle and Tre in the ultimate frisbee league. Though their interests may range from Jagermeister to hemp, and hackey sack to Playstation, their commitment to baggy, canvas shorts with non-standard pocket configurations is their common banner. So in a stand against this tyranny of the majority, I attempted to find shorts that broke free of the bro mold. The following three trials were taken on a road trip through the Southwest with my future in-laws and rated on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being maximum bro-ness.
Exhibit A
A descriptor: A pair of cargo shorts from REI, except they weren’t real cargo shorts. Yeah they had the pockets on the sides, and zippers in places that weren’t my crotch, but they were made out of a blend of nylon, polyester and some other fibrous abomination devised by man, rather than a just and all-knowing God. They do, however, appear to be spill resistant. Regular fit. Knee length. Are they bro-ish? Well sure, but more the kind of bros that drink wheatgrass cleansing smoothies and are really into parkour.
Performance: These held up surprisingly well. Granted, I didn’t put them through the rigors that millions of dollars worth of textile science at REI-HQ designed them for, but they did repel crumbs from most of the salted-snacks consumed. And the toothpaste I accidentally smeared into the pocket will come right out in the wash. Extra points given for their innovative material, which on long car trips went a long way toward mitigating ass-sweat.
Bro-factor: 8.1
Exhibit B
A descriptor: Do you know how hard it is to find a pair of loose-fitting, khaki knee-length shorts if you’re a semi-professional man between the ages of 25-30? Because I sure as hell didn’t. I am in the uncanny valley of casual men’s summer wear. I’m not quite ready to take the plunge into pleated, cuffed old man shorts, but I also want to differentiate myself from the neighbor kids who keep me up at night with their goddamn skateboarding. Out of options at the big box retail operations, I made a defeated trek to the Vans store in the Lloyd Center Mall in search of some tan Dickies. Result was plain khaki Red Hat (some Dickies equivalent) shorts that sit right below the kneecap. No extra pockets. No awful screen printed designs.
Performance: These get an “incomplete” for the trip. Yeah they fit really well when I tried them on in the store, but after three days of driving for 8 hours per day and eating In-n-Out burger, not so much. Canvas work shorts just don’t have the ‘give’ that an indulgent life on the road requires. Not what I would expect from a company tasked with outfitting countless Warped Tour performers lo these many years.
Bro-factor: 8.9
Exhibit C
A descriptor: Fuck it. These are used, camo-print, button-fly cargo shorts purchased from Buffalo Exchange for $12. Their pockets can hold 6 cans of Milwaukee’s Best Ice (“Beast”). We’re through the looking glass, people.
Performance: Wow these are comfortable! When combined with a pair of flip-flop sandals and a baseball shirt, these may, in fact, be the most comfortable things I’ve ever worn. I can keep everything in these pockets too. Digital camera, wallet, keys, phone, other shorts, whatever. There’s also psychological comfort in just giving in and embracing the bro shorts. I now have a new appreciation for people in muumuus or the crazy guy on my way to work who wears a down comforter as a cape (I call him The King). They’re doing what feels good, society be damned.
Performance: Wow these are comfortable! When combined with a pair of flip-flop sandals and a baseball shirt, these may, in fact, be the most comfortable things I’ve ever worn. I can keep everything in these pockets too. Digital camera, wallet, keys, phone, other shorts, whatever. There’s also psychological comfort in just giving in and embracing the bro shorts. I now have a new appreciation for people in muumuus or the crazy guy on my way to work who wears a down comforter as a cape (I call him The King). They’re doing what feels good, society be damned.
Bro-factor: vast and immeasurable
